No Boob Tube...Day 37

Actually I've not had any boob tube for over a year as the tv I have doesn't have a picture tube, as most are nowadays.  So I guess we need a new slang term for the good ole television. Ok, wow, what a change I've experienced.  I don't have an automatic knee jerk reaction to turn the television on as soon as I get home or eat or come home later at night after being out with a friend.  I'm excited about this change.  I can hardly believe I'm almost done with the fast.  Amazingly, I'm almost worried about getting my freedom back as I'm afraid I'm going to throw away my time.  So I am going to figure out this week how I plan to let tv back in to my life.  It cannot have full reign of my time!!  I refuse to be ruled by a piece of technology in my house.  And it's pretty wild, I seem to fill my time just fine without that box...humming in the background.  In fact I think I probably have been more productive than I used to be. There were many more stressors than usual throughout this journey that I never anticipated.  They made me want to turn on the tv and escape right into it to forget all about everything happening.  I had to turn to God more, I was forced.  How sad to have to be forced into the arms of the one who cares the most and can do the most in remedying my hurt and concerns.  The hardest things can have the most profound effect upon ones life. 

Auto pilot...Day 1

Ok folks, well here I am.  I've put tv on the back burner for awhile, in addition to Facebook.  The 2 greatest time suckers and wasters in my life I believe.  I made a pact with a friend to do this for 40 days and nights just like Jesus did in the desert.  Here I am less than a couple hours in to my first evening and of course my knee jerk reaction was to turn the tv on while making dinner.  Isn't it crazy what becomes a habit in our lives.  How is it that it seems so easy to make bad habits?  I mean it's almost like we are on auto pilot at times.  Auto pilot is very convenient, but it's not the safest mode of transportation, at least not 24/7 and definitely not during a storm.  I'd say that I'm definitely going through a storm in my life right now, so the last thing I should be running on is auto pilot.  I should be running "on God", He needs to be the pilot of my life.  So, I go through each day not thinking about what I do, just doing it...click on tv, go off about some person at work, getting road rage, watching some violent sex filled movie, no thought at all...filling my mind with garbage and spewing garbage.  Back and forth.  What a sad existence.  I was thinking today while making my dinner, kind of along the lines of what Dave Ramsey says "If you live like no one else today, later you can live like no one else".    So in terms of living my life, in order to change my life, I must change how I'm living day to day.  I cannot expect my life to change when I don't do anything different.  That's a definition of insanity right, doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different outcome each time?    Well, I'm done being insane!!

40

Is my life half over? I feel so much regret, longing, sadness for what never was and never will be. I remember saying when I was 25, "I don't want to turn around and be 40 having not lived and yet 40 is here. It arrived, yet uninvited. Though it's not as if I haven't lived. I've traveled and met lots of different kinds of people. My jobs have definitely been an experience. I've had the privilege to meet people and hear stories that have given me perspectives I never knew before. I've grown through these unexpected acquaintances, as fleeting as some of them have been.

I am so blessed yet my heart aches for what I haven't had in my life...a love that makes my heart feel as though it may burst and become giddy at the thought of someone. The butterflies from their touch. A love that makes me want to give my whole being to someone else, to share my life with them, to become one with them. The happiness of having that person in my life to love and serve and be loved by them.

So....I've given myself to my work, as one might say. I give of myself most every day to strangers I rarely see again. I can only hope I've impacted their life in a positive way that will lead them to a better life or at least a time with less worry or pain. Is this the journey my God made me for? Is this the tour He expected of me? Is this His plan? Have I made Him smile...I hope. Have I made him proud...I can only pray I have and will continue to. So often times I feel he is frowning down at me, discouraged by my choices and performance. I pray for His guidance, comfort and a joy in my heart for the next 40 years or for however long I'm destined to be on this foreign soil.