Finding Me For the First Time

The title of this blog post was going to be "Finding Myself Again". I decided to change the title, cause I think I'm still in the process of finding me.  It seems to be an ongoing endeavor. I could liken it to uncovering layers of a rock or the earth.  I'm not sure if I just dodged who I was for so long because of the feelings I was denying, because I was trying to be someone I thought others wanted me to be or was just too naive to dig down and discover what made me tick.  I would guess it was a combination.  

Then in the early part of this journey of finding me, I got lost in love.  At first it was a good lost.  Giddy, happy, butterflies, can't wait to see the person, my life is perfect, "I've found the one" kind of lost.  Quickly the being lost in love turned ugly, a dark jungle, that I slowly found my way out of.  Learning each day how to be me, love me and accept me.  

As this 2016 election season unfolded, I found myself in another precarious situation.  I found myself hiding who I was in a different way.  I thought that I had come full circle, but I have more to learn.  Now I'm dealing with showing my conservative side to my "community".  This is tough.  Most are staunch liberals.  I call myself a libertarian which is a huge change for me.  There are still several conservative beliefs I hold currently.  I have lesbian friends I hold dear and I support their opinions, even the ones I don't agree with, but, I fear they will never understand my stance. I guess understanding isn't necessary to love, but it's always been hard for me to believe if I was different I was still ok. I've struggled with being understood my whole life. My parents still don't understand the gay thing and now here I am feeling like I'm not being understood on my side of the fence.  Even though it's hard, one has to be true to themselves no matter what.  You must embrace your authentic self regardless of how difficult it may be.  

We are all constantly changing and growing, I hope.  I know I'm not who I was, even last week, because so many things in this life, should have a profound effect on you.  I am still learning how to see through a less conservative lens.  I am opening my mind to views and others experiences and trying to embrace how certain things make them feel.  We should never stop being open to change. We should not live in a bubble.  If you live in a bubble, never open to what others are saying or feeling, you will never grow.  I don't want to be that person.  That person only sees in black and white, they never put themselves in someone else's shoes or try to walk even a block in them.  

We may seem so different on the outside, but we all have the same needs.  The need to feel safe, to be loved, to be accepted, not just tolerated.   Why do so many seem to have an innate sense of fear regarding people that are different and not like-minded.   A friend recently shared with me that "you opened my eyes so much when you told me your story".   This one small comment meant the world to me. It meant that at least one person came to understand where I was coming from and they were enlightened in some way.

Traci Davies 
9/16

Un-Stuck

Four years later...

We are back in present day (2014)...fortunately, I can say that I've finally found myself in a place of acceptance regarding who I am.  I have my days, but more often than not, I am at peace now.  This didn't occur through magic.  This was a long, fought journey.  Lots of prayer, tears, searching for healing and not finding it (cause there is nothing to heal!), listening to not-so-loving words of those who meant well, losing "friends" along the way because of who I am and ultimately accepting the grace of my Father in Heaven.  I would never wish this emotional journey on anyone else cause there are some that never reach the other side.  According to the CDC "A nationally representative study of adolescents in grades 7–12 found that lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth were more than twice as likely to have attempted suicide as their heterosexual peers".  Such a heart breaking statistic.  No one chooses to feel this way or desire the same sex.  They may choose to embrace it as a lifestyle, but why wouldn't they??  Who wants to be alone.  Very few people desire true solidarity.   If the tables were turned and all the heterosexuals were told, you must be single and celibate, then they would know how it feels.  

We are told by married individuals that God is enough and you can find your contentment in Him.  I understand that, in a perfect world, maybe.  But, I am a human who desires to love, be loved, touch and someone to understand who I am.  Is that so wrong?  We all sin every day and yet some sin is ranked more wrong than others.   It says plainly in the bible that one should not divorce, unless it's as the result of adultery and yet it happens time and time again and no one places a scarlet letter on the forehead of these individuals.  I would say that is more of a choice than what I deal with on a daily basis.  You CHOSE to marry, then you CHOSE to divorce, despite a covenant made before God.  

I used to be one of the judgmental, black and white Christians.  Being gay has helped me to stop judging as much and led me to embrace people, because we all have some sin in our lives, we all struggle with a weakness.   I wouldn't change a thing so that I might not tend to legalism.  It's sad we often times must be laden with such a thorn in order to have the cataracts removed from our eyes.    

My hope is that we can all learn to love more and stop focusing on the legalistic aspects of Christianity...That is what Jesus would do.  

-Traci Davies 

Concrete

The following was written by me sometime in 2010...

Someone layed concrete when I wasn't looking and now I'm stuck. Can't move forward, can only peer into what I think I see as my future. And now that I've caught a glimpse I'm not too eager to get there anyway. So it almost seems my "stuckness" serves me well right now. But I am doing my darnedest to twist around and look behind me and there seems to be a lot of carnage back there. Carnage I never would have dreamed awaited me as a child. I think I always subconsciously knew I was different when I was a teenager. Does everyone feel this way though? About 3 years ago it's like someone finally put a mirror up before me and I saw truly who I was. Now this wasn't a revelation of grand proportions. This was an "aha" moment like everything finally made sense. But what was I to do with the knowledge I now had.  The knowledge that had been lurking inside of me for years.  Being gay, that is.   That I continually pushed down, denied, never accepted the possibility of it's truth because I was a Christian for one. For two, I did not CHOOSE this. Three, it didn't feel right in my bones anyway, Christian or not. At least I don't think it did. Never had the earth move under my feet so to speak regarding dating boys. I could take it or leave it, mostly leave it if it was up to me. Take it only because it was among an ever lengthening list of societal mores as you inch toward adulthood. You know the list well...what will you be when you grow up, who will you marry, what college will you attend, etc. If you stray from this path, heaven have mercy on your soul. But, heaven, actually, does have mercy on our souls. It's all the humans walking around, the ones close to us, who "expect" certain actions and eventual outcomes, this is where mercy is lacking. Such a small word, expect, but what a great burden it can bear upon one's heart.

Anyway, I digress. I know I have high expectations of myself and others as well. It's not fair to them, this I know. It's not fair to myself either, because I rarely meet them and then I beat myself up. So not only do I beat myself up, but others are standing in line to beat me up as well. Though, not literally, but in my mind I picture this imaginary parade of individuals ready to ask me what happened. They didn't "expect" this...

Well, I'll be glad to share, "I didn't expect this either". It would have been the last story book plot I would have chosen had I been given a choice of "life scenarios". Well of course I would not have chosen disfigurement or terminal illness either, though sometimes it feels as if I'm terminally ill. Sexual orientation seems pretty innate to me. Regardless of what any teaching is about your sexual preference, that's what it feels like inside of you.

I'm not disfigured on the outside, but I'm twisted up inside so awfully that I wish it was more visible to others so that they knew what a struggle this is. But is this a selfish feeling? I know there are physically disabled people who don't want others pity for their situation. Do I truly want someones pity? Hmmm, I don't think so. I think I just desire understanding and acceptance. A belief that the situation truly exists, its not in my mind and I need to overcome it, it's not that I just haven't prayed hard enough for this thing to go away, it's not that the right one just hasn't come along. Even though deep down I hope there is someone out there who has the key to undo what got mixed up inside of me. See, even I see it as a negative thing, something that needs to change. But I so desire those who might understand and stand with me in the gap, the gap that leaves me longing for God, yet angry at Him for my situation. The gap that leaves my soul yearning for a new beginning. The gap that holds the brothers and sisters who feel as I do. The gap where judgement does not prevail.

You so desire for your truly traditional Christian friends to understand, but they don't and they never will. I'm sure they believe if i seek enough counseling and get all my spiritual ducks in a row, then it will all be fine. You have gay friends who have been where you are and encourage you to "keep prodding, things will get better, you'll come to terms". But will I? I don't see myself as eventually falling into either of these expected categories. So where does that leave me? Everyone wants to be known, understood, loved. Everyone desires a true group to fit in with, especially if you have no family (spouse, children) as your safe place. At least I do. That was one of my main fears in this life was to be on the outside looking in, alone, scared, by myself and it seems that for some reason God has landed me right in the exact spot I feared most.

With God anything is possible and I pray in my heart everyday that my life would change, that my heart and desires would change. That my fear would fall away and I might be a living testimony some day. Shall I hope for this or shall I expect this???

One is the loneliest number

Singleness is a gift from God - Shut your face!!  If you ever say those six words to me again, I'm going to punch you in the face.  Then you can say my fist was a gift from God, since He made it.  How would that be?  You might as well punch me when you says those words.  That's not how God works.  We are born, we grow up and yes I believe He does have a plan for each one of us, but sometimes life just doesn't work out how you hoped or you get stuck with baggage you never intended or people have free will and choose and you're not their choice.  Now, I can make choices that fill my life up and give of my time as God's servant.  But to not fall in love and experience that deep love and bond with someone is missing one God's greatest gifts.  I listen to so many women complain about their husbands.  Why are you married then?  Why did you choose this person to spend the rest of your life with if you are not grateful for having them every day?   You have someone to come home to.  Someone that knows you better than anyone else.  You have dates for national holidays.  You have a date for weddings!  There is someone to vent to when you are upset.  You have a person who can drop you at the door at a store and make errands go so much faster.  You automatically have a second rider for a roller coaster.  You have someone to use all the buy one, get one free coupons with.  This world is built around couples.  And Christmas time is the worst to endure by yourself.   I've always prayed for a best friend I could spend life with, travel with, enjoy and talk with, explore and grow spiritually together.   May God answer my prayer.  So, you'll excuse me if I don't accept my "gift" with open arms.

The Land of Loss and Grief

The land of loss and grief is an arid and lonely land.  You stay parched emotionally despite the words of comfort and loving touch you receive.  You travel the dry land searching for some sign of hope that will make every thing better or turn back the hands of time.  We pray for this miracle so we can do or say or be more than we were when the calendar reflected a time when that one in our lives was still present. When they were next to us, a fellow soldier in this crazy life.  Along the journey in this dessert you do see mirages, they lift your spirits temporarily until you realize they aren't real and nothing's changed in the scenery.  Grief runs the emotional spectrum.  It gives you a peek into a spiritual chasm that one minute you want to jump in to and the next moment you want to run away from.  I believe it can make you a better person or it can make you to be a person you don't even want  to look at in the mirror.  But, it's our choice which person we choose to become...

No Boob Tube...Day 37

Actually I've not had any boob tube for over a year as the tv I have doesn't have a picture tube, as most are nowadays.  So I guess we need a new slang term for the good ole television. Ok, wow, what a change I've experienced.  I don't have an automatic knee jerk reaction to turn the television on as soon as I get home or eat or come home later at night after being out with a friend.  I'm excited about this change.  I can hardly believe I'm almost done with the fast.  Amazingly, I'm almost worried about getting my freedom back as I'm afraid I'm going to throw away my time.  So I am going to figure out this week how I plan to let tv back in to my life.  It cannot have full reign of my time!!  I refuse to be ruled by a piece of technology in my house.  And it's pretty wild, I seem to fill my time just fine without that box...humming in the background.  In fact I think I probably have been more productive than I used to be. There were many more stressors than usual throughout this journey that I never anticipated.  They made me want to turn on the tv and escape right into it to forget all about everything happening.  I had to turn to God more, I was forced.  How sad to have to be forced into the arms of the one who cares the most and can do the most in remedying my hurt and concerns.  The hardest things can have the most profound effect upon ones life. 

Auto pilot...Day 1

Ok folks, well here I am.  I've put tv on the back burner for awhile, in addition to Facebook.  The 2 greatest time suckers and wasters in my life I believe.  I made a pact with a friend to do this for 40 days and nights just like Jesus did in the desert.  Here I am less than a couple hours in to my first evening and of course my knee jerk reaction was to turn the tv on while making dinner.  Isn't it crazy what becomes a habit in our lives.  How is it that it seems so easy to make bad habits?  I mean it's almost like we are on auto pilot at times.  Auto pilot is very convenient, but it's not the safest mode of transportation, at least not 24/7 and definitely not during a storm.  I'd say that I'm definitely going through a storm in my life right now, so the last thing I should be running on is auto pilot.  I should be running "on God", He needs to be the pilot of my life.  So, I go through each day not thinking about what I do, just doing it...click on tv, go off about some person at work, getting road rage, watching some violent sex filled movie, no thought at all...filling my mind with garbage and spewing garbage.  Back and forth.  What a sad existence.  I was thinking today while making my dinner, kind of along the lines of what Dave Ramsey says "If you live like no one else today, later you can live like no one else".    So in terms of living my life, in order to change my life, I must change how I'm living day to day.  I cannot expect my life to change when I don't do anything different.  That's a definition of insanity right, doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different outcome each time?    Well, I'm done being insane!!