Concrete

The following was written by me sometime in 2010...

Someone layed concrete when I wasn't looking and now I'm stuck. Can't move forward, can only peer into what I think I see as my future. And now that I've caught a glimpse I'm not too eager to get there anyway. So it almost seems my "stuckness" serves me well right now. But I am doing my darnedest to twist around and look behind me and there seems to be a lot of carnage back there. Carnage I never would have dreamed awaited me as a child. I think I always subconsciously knew I was different when I was a teenager. Does everyone feel this way though? About 3 years ago it's like someone finally put a mirror up before me and I saw truly who I was. Now this wasn't a revelation of grand proportions. This was an "aha" moment like everything finally made sense. But what was I to do with the knowledge I now had.  The knowledge that had been lurking inside of me for years.  Being gay, that is.   That I continually pushed down, denied, never accepted the possibility of it's truth because I was a Christian for one. For two, I did not CHOOSE this. Three, it didn't feel right in my bones anyway, Christian or not. At least I don't think it did. Never had the earth move under my feet so to speak regarding dating boys. I could take it or leave it, mostly leave it if it was up to me. Take it only because it was among an ever lengthening list of societal mores as you inch toward adulthood. You know the list well...what will you be when you grow up, who will you marry, what college will you attend, etc. If you stray from this path, heaven have mercy on your soul. But, heaven, actually, does have mercy on our souls. It's all the humans walking around, the ones close to us, who "expect" certain actions and eventual outcomes, this is where mercy is lacking. Such a small word, expect, but what a great burden it can bear upon one's heart.

Anyway, I digress. I know I have high expectations of myself and others as well. It's not fair to them, this I know. It's not fair to myself either, because I rarely meet them and then I beat myself up. So not only do I beat myself up, but others are standing in line to beat me up as well. Though, not literally, but in my mind I picture this imaginary parade of individuals ready to ask me what happened. They didn't "expect" this...

Well, I'll be glad to share, "I didn't expect this either". It would have been the last story book plot I would have chosen had I been given a choice of "life scenarios". Well of course I would not have chosen disfigurement or terminal illness either, though sometimes it feels as if I'm terminally ill. Sexual orientation seems pretty innate to me. Regardless of what any teaching is about your sexual preference, that's what it feels like inside of you.

I'm not disfigured on the outside, but I'm twisted up inside so awfully that I wish it was more visible to others so that they knew what a struggle this is. But is this a selfish feeling? I know there are physically disabled people who don't want others pity for their situation. Do I truly want someones pity? Hmmm, I don't think so. I think I just desire understanding and acceptance. A belief that the situation truly exists, its not in my mind and I need to overcome it, it's not that I just haven't prayed hard enough for this thing to go away, it's not that the right one just hasn't come along. Even though deep down I hope there is someone out there who has the key to undo what got mixed up inside of me. See, even I see it as a negative thing, something that needs to change. But I so desire those who might understand and stand with me in the gap, the gap that leaves me longing for God, yet angry at Him for my situation. The gap that leaves my soul yearning for a new beginning. The gap that holds the brothers and sisters who feel as I do. The gap where judgement does not prevail.

You so desire for your truly traditional Christian friends to understand, but they don't and they never will. I'm sure they believe if i seek enough counseling and get all my spiritual ducks in a row, then it will all be fine. You have gay friends who have been where you are and encourage you to "keep prodding, things will get better, you'll come to terms". But will I? I don't see myself as eventually falling into either of these expected categories. So where does that leave me? Everyone wants to be known, understood, loved. Everyone desires a true group to fit in with, especially if you have no family (spouse, children) as your safe place. At least I do. That was one of my main fears in this life was to be on the outside looking in, alone, scared, by myself and it seems that for some reason God has landed me right in the exact spot I feared most.

With God anything is possible and I pray in my heart everyday that my life would change, that my heart and desires would change. That my fear would fall away and I might be a living testimony some day. Shall I hope for this or shall I expect this???