40

Is my life half over? I feel so much regret, longing, sadness for what never was and never will be. I remember saying when I was 25, "I don't want to turn around and be 40 having not lived and yet 40 is here. It arrived, yet uninvited. Though it's not as if I haven't lived. I've traveled and met lots of different kinds of people. My jobs have definitely been an experience. I've had the privilege to meet people and hear stories that have given me perspectives I never knew before. I've grown through these unexpected acquaintances, as fleeting as some of them have been.

I am so blessed yet my heart aches for what I haven't had in my life...a love that makes my heart feel as though it may burst and become giddy at the thought of someone. The butterflies from their touch. A love that makes me want to give my whole being to someone else, to share my life with them, to become one with them. The happiness of having that person in my life to love and serve and be loved by them.

So....I've given myself to my work, as one might say. I give of myself most every day to strangers I rarely see again. I can only hope I've impacted their life in a positive way that will lead them to a better life or at least a time with less worry or pain. Is this the journey my God made me for? Is this the tour He expected of me? Is this His plan? Have I made Him smile...I hope. Have I made him proud...I can only pray I have and will continue to. So often times I feel he is frowning down at me, discouraged by my choices and performance. I pray for His guidance, comfort and a joy in my heart for the next 40 years or for however long I'm destined to be on this foreign soil.