Concrete

The following was written by me sometime in 2010...

Someone layed concrete when I wasn't looking and now I'm stuck. Can't move forward, can only peer into what I think I see as my future. And now that I've caught a glimpse I'm not too eager to get there anyway. So it almost seems my "stuckness" serves me well right now. But I am doing my darnedest to twist around and look behind me and there seems to be a lot of carnage back there. Carnage I never would have dreamed awaited me as a child. I think I always subconsciously knew I was different when I was a teenager. Does everyone feel this way though? About 3 years ago it's like someone finally put a mirror up before me and I saw truly who I was. Now this wasn't a revelation of grand proportions. This was an "aha" moment like everything finally made sense. But what was I to do with the knowledge I now had.  The knowledge that had been lurking inside of me for years.  Being gay, that is.   That I continually pushed down, denied, never accepted the possibility of it's truth because I was a Christian for one. For two, I did not CHOOSE this. Three, it didn't feel right in my bones anyway, Christian or not. At least I don't think it did. Never had the earth move under my feet so to speak regarding dating boys. I could take it or leave it, mostly leave it if it was up to me. Take it only because it was among an ever lengthening list of societal mores as you inch toward adulthood. You know the list well...what will you be when you grow up, who will you marry, what college will you attend, etc. If you stray from this path, heaven have mercy on your soul. But, heaven, actually, does have mercy on our souls. It's all the humans walking around, the ones close to us, who "expect" certain actions and eventual outcomes, this is where mercy is lacking. Such a small word, expect, but what a great burden it can bear upon one's heart.

Anyway, I digress. I know I have high expectations of myself and others as well. It's not fair to them, this I know. It's not fair to myself either, because I rarely meet them and then I beat myself up. So not only do I beat myself up, but others are standing in line to beat me up as well. Though, not literally, but in my mind I picture this imaginary parade of individuals ready to ask me what happened. They didn't "expect" this...

Well, I'll be glad to share, "I didn't expect this either". It would have been the last story book plot I would have chosen had I been given a choice of "life scenarios". Well of course I would not have chosen disfigurement or terminal illness either, though sometimes it feels as if I'm terminally ill. Sexual orientation seems pretty innate to me. Regardless of what any teaching is about your sexual preference, that's what it feels like inside of you.

I'm not disfigured on the outside, but I'm twisted up inside so awfully that I wish it was more visible to others so that they knew what a struggle this is. But is this a selfish feeling? I know there are physically disabled people who don't want others pity for their situation. Do I truly want someones pity? Hmmm, I don't think so. I think I just desire understanding and acceptance. A belief that the situation truly exists, its not in my mind and I need to overcome it, it's not that I just haven't prayed hard enough for this thing to go away, it's not that the right one just hasn't come along. Even though deep down I hope there is someone out there who has the key to undo what got mixed up inside of me. See, even I see it as a negative thing, something that needs to change. But I so desire those who might understand and stand with me in the gap, the gap that leaves me longing for God, yet angry at Him for my situation. The gap that leaves my soul yearning for a new beginning. The gap that holds the brothers and sisters who feel as I do. The gap where judgement does not prevail.

You so desire for your truly traditional Christian friends to understand, but they don't and they never will. I'm sure they believe if i seek enough counseling and get all my spiritual ducks in a row, then it will all be fine. You have gay friends who have been where you are and encourage you to "keep prodding, things will get better, you'll come to terms". But will I? I don't see myself as eventually falling into either of these expected categories. So where does that leave me? Everyone wants to be known, understood, loved. Everyone desires a true group to fit in with, especially if you have no family (spouse, children) as your safe place. At least I do. That was one of my main fears in this life was to be on the outside looking in, alone, scared, by myself and it seems that for some reason God has landed me right in the exact spot I feared most.

With God anything is possible and I pray in my heart everyday that my life would change, that my heart and desires would change. That my fear would fall away and I might be a living testimony some day. Shall I hope for this or shall I expect this???

One is the loneliest number

Singleness is a gift from God - Shut your face!!  If you ever say those six words to me again, I'm going to punch you in the face.  Then you can say my fist was a gift from God, since He made it.  How would that be?  You might as well punch me when you says those words.  That's not how God works.  We are born, we grow up and yes I believe He does have a plan for each one of us, but sometimes life just doesn't work out how you hoped or you get stuck with baggage you never intended or people have free will and choose and you're not their choice.  Now, I can make choices that fill my life up and give of my time as God's servant.  But to not fall in love and experience that deep love and bond with someone is missing one God's greatest gifts.  I listen to so many women complain about their husbands.  Why are you married then?  Why did you choose this person to spend the rest of your life with if you are not grateful for having them every day?   You have someone to come home to.  Someone that knows you better than anyone else.  You have dates for national holidays.  You have a date for weddings!  There is someone to vent to when you are upset.  You have a person who can drop you at the door at a store and make errands go so much faster.  You automatically have a second rider for a roller coaster.  You have someone to use all the buy one, get one free coupons with.  This world is built around couples.  And Christmas time is the worst to endure by yourself.   I've always prayed for a best friend I could spend life with, travel with, enjoy and talk with, explore and grow spiritually together.   May God answer my prayer.  So, you'll excuse me if I don't accept my "gift" with open arms.

The Land of Loss and Grief

The land of loss and grief is an arid and lonely land.  You stay parched emotionally despite the words of comfort and loving touch you receive.  You travel the dry land searching for some sign of hope that will make every thing better or turn back the hands of time.  We pray for this miracle so we can do or say or be more than we were when the calendar reflected a time when that one in our lives was still present. When they were next to us, a fellow soldier in this crazy life.  Along the journey in this dessert you do see mirages, they lift your spirits temporarily until you realize they aren't real and nothing's changed in the scenery.  Grief runs the emotional spectrum.  It gives you a peek into a spiritual chasm that one minute you want to jump in to and the next moment you want to run away from.  I believe it can make you a better person or it can make you to be a person you don't even want  to look at in the mirror.  But, it's our choice which person we choose to become...

No Boob Tube...Day 37

Actually I've not had any boob tube for over a year as the tv I have doesn't have a picture tube, as most are nowadays.  So I guess we need a new slang term for the good ole television. Ok, wow, what a change I've experienced.  I don't have an automatic knee jerk reaction to turn the television on as soon as I get home or eat or come home later at night after being out with a friend.  I'm excited about this change.  I can hardly believe I'm almost done with the fast.  Amazingly, I'm almost worried about getting my freedom back as I'm afraid I'm going to throw away my time.  So I am going to figure out this week how I plan to let tv back in to my life.  It cannot have full reign of my time!!  I refuse to be ruled by a piece of technology in my house.  And it's pretty wild, I seem to fill my time just fine without that box...humming in the background.  In fact I think I probably have been more productive than I used to be. There were many more stressors than usual throughout this journey that I never anticipated.  They made me want to turn on the tv and escape right into it to forget all about everything happening.  I had to turn to God more, I was forced.  How sad to have to be forced into the arms of the one who cares the most and can do the most in remedying my hurt and concerns.  The hardest things can have the most profound effect upon ones life. 

Auto pilot...Day 1

Ok folks, well here I am.  I've put tv on the back burner for awhile, in addition to Facebook.  The 2 greatest time suckers and wasters in my life I believe.  I made a pact with a friend to do this for 40 days and nights just like Jesus did in the desert.  Here I am less than a couple hours in to my first evening and of course my knee jerk reaction was to turn the tv on while making dinner.  Isn't it crazy what becomes a habit in our lives.  How is it that it seems so easy to make bad habits?  I mean it's almost like we are on auto pilot at times.  Auto pilot is very convenient, but it's not the safest mode of transportation, at least not 24/7 and definitely not during a storm.  I'd say that I'm definitely going through a storm in my life right now, so the last thing I should be running on is auto pilot.  I should be running "on God", He needs to be the pilot of my life.  So, I go through each day not thinking about what I do, just doing it...click on tv, go off about some person at work, getting road rage, watching some violent sex filled movie, no thought at all...filling my mind with garbage and spewing garbage.  Back and forth.  What a sad existence.  I was thinking today while making my dinner, kind of along the lines of what Dave Ramsey says "If you live like no one else today, later you can live like no one else".    So in terms of living my life, in order to change my life, I must change how I'm living day to day.  I cannot expect my life to change when I don't do anything different.  That's a definition of insanity right, doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different outcome each time?    Well, I'm done being insane!!

40

Is my life half over? I feel so much regret, longing, sadness for what never was and never will be. I remember saying when I was 25, "I don't want to turn around and be 40 having not lived and yet 40 is here. It arrived, yet uninvited. Though it's not as if I haven't lived. I've traveled and met lots of different kinds of people. My jobs have definitely been an experience. I've had the privilege to meet people and hear stories that have given me perspectives I never knew before. I've grown through these unexpected acquaintances, as fleeting as some of them have been.

I am so blessed yet my heart aches for what I haven't had in my life...a love that makes my heart feel as though it may burst and become giddy at the thought of someone. The butterflies from their touch. A love that makes me want to give my whole being to someone else, to share my life with them, to become one with them. The happiness of having that person in my life to love and serve and be loved by them.

So....I've given myself to my work, as one might say. I give of myself most every day to strangers I rarely see again. I can only hope I've impacted their life in a positive way that will lead them to a better life or at least a time with less worry or pain. Is this the journey my God made me for? Is this the tour He expected of me? Is this His plan? Have I made Him smile...I hope. Have I made him proud...I can only pray I have and will continue to. So often times I feel he is frowning down at me, discouraged by my choices and performance. I pray for His guidance, comfort and a joy in my heart for the next 40 years or for however long I'm destined to be on this foreign soil.

Untouched

What happens without touch? I heard on the radio this week that each person should get at least 4 hugs a day in order to just "survive", let alone thrive. Wow, I'm seriously in a deficit in that area. I should have claimed bankruptcy years ago. I imagine others would find themselves in the same predicament. No bonds are formed, no touch exists regularly, people reach out sporadically through technology, but it's not the same. Now when we hear the word technology we think of progress, moving forward in our day to day lives. But is moving forward really a good thing? Who actually defines what moving forward means? It seems that the more things become technologically advanced, the less people in general are needed, which in turn results in less interaction. You cannot reach a sales representative on the phone. People are eliminated from the retail equation because of self-checkouts. We can check in at a computer at the airport. Will the next step be for a robot to actually bring me my food at a restaurant? So not only in the work place where we conduct business, but in our social lives as well, it seems, there will be a lack of personal contact. No personal letters received. No phone calls made. We only text, send email, post "statuses". Short blips of info spewed out to a person, friends and acquaintances, the world. We are too busy going here, doing this, doing that, being "busy". What are we producing that on our death bed we can hold on to? Communication by text, facebook, computer...such plastic communication. Plastic is cold and hard and has no character. Gone are the days of the personal touch. We are raising the first generation of kids who may never receive a letter in the mail and who may never read a book "from cover to cover" because they have the Kindle. Wow, that truly scares me. What will this full technological age bring besides lots of those who are untouched?